Getting warmer

I tossed Joseph some of my clothes and we headed downstairs. Every five fricking feet he was distracted by a painting or a statue or a suit of armor or the fricking carpet. Finally, we managed to haul him into Dame Gold's sitting room. We found her pacing back and forth. Two of her personal guards were in the room, and there was a figure in the corner standing in the shadows. When Dame saw us she breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thank the Gods," she said. "Please sit."

She gestured toward a set of six chairs. All of us sat. Joseph started to wander around the room, looking at the various paintings and statues. I guided him to a chair and made him sit.

Dame started to sit, and then stood again. She wiped her hands on her dress. "My own wizards have cast spells upon this room to make it immune to eavesdropping of a magical nature." She looked at the man in the corner. "But there are other methods."

"There are, Lady Gold," a familiar voice said. "You will be happy to know that no one is eavesdropping via psionics."

The man stepped out of the shadows. Thaddeus nodded at us. "Greetings, friends. Anna."

Anna's mouth fell open. "Hi."

"I fear I must apologize," he said. "I had to be sure."

"Sure of what?" Audry asked.

"That you were who you said you were," Thaddeus said. "Of the five of you, Anna was the most...open."

She stood up, her hands balled up into fists. "What's that supposed to mean?"

He held up his hand in protest. "Only what I said. Open. Your thoughts are clear to me. Most peoples thoughts are clear to me, but through you I could see that you and your friends are definitely from Mitrik."

"You could'a just asked," I said.

He smiled and bowed his head. "I am sorry. I was paid to do such."

"By who," Saul said, and then he understood. "Lady Gold, you know us. Why would you need to do this?"

"I am sorry," she said. She clasped her hands in front of her. "I had to be sure. Recently, a soldier from town made an attempt on my life. Previously, he had been very reliable. He had a family, he had roots in town. His attempt on my life made no sense. I hired Thaddeus to investigate."

"A psion?" Anna said. She was still standing. "You were reading my mind?"

"Anna, please," Thaddeus started, but Anna cut him off.

"Did you like what you found? You like going through a girls thoughts, do you?"

I stood and put a hand on her shoulder. "Anna, I don't think it's like that."

"Oh really? What--?"

"Anna," Audry said. "Perhaps we could discuss this later?" She glanced at Dame. Anna glared at Thaddeus, who seemed genuinely embarrassed. The man made me a bit nervous. A man with a sword I can deal with. You can even know what a wizard is planning if you know what to look for. But a psion? You won't know until it's over.

"Forgive me," Dame said. "I have put you through much. Not just you, but all my guests. I had to be sure you had not been mesmerized in someway. Thaddeus assures me that this is not the case."

"Woah," Joseph said. "Wait a minute. You, like read peoples minds and stuff?"

Thaddeus nodded. "I can. Though I assure you I am not doing so at the moment."

"In the distance," he said.

That threw even me. I realized that his grasp of Common was tenuous. I think he was trying to translate his English catch-phrase, "far out."

"I am sorry for bringing him on short notice, Lady Gold," I said.

"Joseph and I are aquianted," Dame said. "He claims to see the future."

"Well, sort of," Joseph said. "I, like, see things, you know? Sometimes I don't know if they will happen or if they are, like, happening now. But, I know it's real, you know?"

"No, I'm afraid I don't know," Dame said.

I started to wonder if I had done the right thing. Joseph didn't say anything about this crystal ball nonesense.

"Yeah, it's kinda weird," Joseph said. "I didn't believe it either. Thought it was old acid or something. But, look, I knew they were here."

"You knew I was here," I said.

"Well, yeah," Joseph said. "But that's not all."

"That's all well and good," Audry said, "but let's stick to the issue at hand."

I told Dame about Joseph and his ability to sense where people like me were from and how he believed that this General character that was running the war (the one every ominously calls, "the Evil One") is from my world. Dame listened to us calmly. When Joseph finished, she turned to Thaddeus. He simply nodded.

"Our prophet friend is speaking the truth," he said, "or at least what he believes to be true."

"Yeah, see," Joseph said, pointing at Thaddeus. "Check out the big brain on him, man! He knows!"

Dame stared at him, her expression unreadable. She was probably wondering if Joseph just called her a man. Fortunately, Marc saved the day.

"At any rate," Marc said. "I believe it would be prudent to get Joseph in touch with people in Greyhawk or Furyondy. Or Veluna, for that matter. Anyone involved in the conflict would certainly like to be aware of the location of this 'General.'"

"Indeed," Dame said. She sighed. "Lord knows we have tried to find this man ourselves. My brother among them."

"Your brother?" I asked. "I had no idea."

"Yes," she said. "It...it is why I called you here."

"Of course," Audry said. "We will help anyway we can."

"Thank you," Dame said. "But I would not be so quick to agree until you hear the entire story. But I must ask all of you to swear not to reveal what I say. Please, I beg of you."

We didn't hesitate. All of us swore. If you new Dame the way we did, you would too.

"Thank you," she said. She spoke as if a burden had been lightened, but not lifted completely. "It is regarding my brother. He did indeed go looking for this General. They believed him to be south of here."

"Well, he was south," Joseph said. "He totally went some where else though. He's, like, in Celene now. Or at least in that direction."

"If only we had your expertise before," Dame said politely, "then perhaps my brother would not be in the predicament he is in now."

"What has happened, Lady Gold?" Audry asked.

"It seems my brother has had some trouble upon his return," she said. "He sent word indicating that he was successful, but he did not elaborate. He was afraid the message would fall into the wrong hands and that his efforts would be for naught. It seems he cannot return, or he is afraid to."

"Afraid to?" I asked.

"He...caught something," Dame said. For a second, I thought her dear brother had VD or something. If only he were so lucky. "By night, he changes. He goes mad and becomes something terrible."

"Gods," Saul said. "Lycanthropy?"

Dame nodded solemnly. "Apparently it is something of a plague to the south. He was attacked by an animal and now he becomes an animal by night."

"My condolences," Marc said. "I do not wish to bring this up, but I must be honest. Curing lycanthropy is nigh unto impossible."

"Yes, I am aware of this," Dame said. "That is why Black Kerr is here."

"Who, the crazy lady who talks to bushes?" Anna asked. "She can help?"

"Indeed she can," Dame said. "She in alchemist by trade. I have paid her significant sum of money to create a cure. My wizards have assured me that it is not an illusion or fake in anyway."

"But it's affects are uncertain until it is actually consumed," Marc said. "Do you know his precise location? A teleportation spell could whisk us--"

"No," she said. "We cannot use such magic. Kerr has informed me that such magic may disrupt the mixture. It must be carried to my brother by hand."

"That's what you wish from us," Audry said. "You wish us to find your brother and give him this potion."

"Yes," she said. "If it does not work, then you mush retrieve the information he has on the Evil One, the one called the General." She finally sat down. "It pains me to say this. The information my brother has is more important than his life."

"What?" Joseph had managed to remain silent up until now. "Uh, look Lady...Lady Gold--cool name by the way--he's your brother. Ain't nothing more important."

"I envy your sister, if that is what you truly believe," Dame said. "But this war does not go as well as we wish. We need every advantage. The longer we delay, the more lives are lost."

"Bummer," Joseph said, in English (there really is no word in Common for "bummer").

"Yeah," I said. "Lady Gold, if your people say the potion is good then it's good. We'll get it to your brother and bring him back. Don't worry."

"Certainly, do not worry," Saul said. "We destroyed a temple, didn't we? We can certainly do this."

"At least we knew where the temple was," I said. "With respect, Lady Gold, we don't know where to begin here."

"Hepmonaland," Dame said. She stood and went to her desk. She pulled up a piece of parchment that was very clearly a map of the surrounding area. She pointed to a point on the map. "There is a small village here. This was where my brother said he would be."

We looked at the map. The village was called Elredd.

"I have heard of this place," Audry said. "It is a wretched hive of scum and villainy."

Mos Eisley came to mind, and I suppressed a smirk. "Yeah, and we have to go there."

"We will leave tomorrow," Saul said.

"Thank you," Dame said. "I ask that you attend the party tonight. It is the last day of the festivities. If there are any spies in town, they might be curious if you were not present."

"Certainly," Marc said. "We will do what we can to bring your brother home."

She nodded and we stood. Thaddeus nodded at each of us as we left. I wondered if he was peering into my mind, and decided it didn't matter. We had nothing to hide from Dame Gold.

Joseph stayed with us for a while. He wandered around the manor, looking at everything like a cat in a new home. At some point, he just disappeared. I didn't know if he went back to town or just plain got lost.

That night the party went into the night. We tried to have a good time, but frankly none of us were in a partying mood at that point. We stayed together, but spoke nothing regarding our mission. We retired as early as we thought we could get a way with, saying we had an early start to get back to Mitrik.

I didn't sleep very well. I never do before an adventure.

---------------------------

The next morning Dame bid us farewell. We played at being merely guests to the party. Dame smiled the whole time, but the worry in her face was evident. Thaddeus was at her side the whole time. I wondered if he kept others from reading her thoughts.

We headed west for Mitrik. The plan was to continue that way for a couple of hours and then head south to Elredd. Anna stayed about half an hour behind us. We had her horse and on her horse we had a doll that was about her size and shape, made of bedding from Gold's manor. We dressed it in her clothes.

"Made it myself," Anna said.

It looked stupid to me, but from a distance it would probably fool most people.

We had reached our destination--a point some way out of town where we could safely turn south--when we heard something through crashing through the brush. Saul and I both nocked an arrow in our bows.

"Hope that's Anna," I said.

"She wouldn't make that much noise," Saul said.

"Unless she wanted you to know she was coming," Anna said. She came out from behind some trees. She was breathing hard, which is saying a lot because Anna can run all day if she needs to.

"Little early?" Marc said.

"Someone's coming," Anna said. "It looks like a herald. He's riding hard, hard enough to kill his horse if he keeps it up."

"How long?" Audry asked.

"Soon," Anna said. "There's more. Outside the trees, I saw smoke rising from Safeton."

We looked at each other. Given recent events and that it takes a pretty big fire to see this far from Safeton, there were only two possibilities. Either someone really hated that statue and torched the entire garden, or....

Anna was already on her horse in front of the life-sized doll. "I think we should go back."

We didn't question her as we kicked or horses into a dead run back toward Safeton.

Not so crazy after all

I thought of pulling my hood up to cover my face, but there wasn't a cloud in the sky. Covering my face with my hood would have drawn attention. Besides, I doubt anyone would even know who I am. And if someone were following me, covering my face wouldn't help.

I made my way through an alley. A man asked for a coin and I tossed him a handful of gold. "I wasn't here," I said, and moved on without waiting for his reaction. At the end of the alley I crossed the street and went into a trading post.

"May I help you milord?" the man behind the counter said.

"Yes," I said. "Is there a back door?"

"Milord?"

I could see it from where I was standing. The door opened into the back alley, and from there I could see the park. From where I was, you couldn't see me from the street. I tossed a couple of platinum pieces to the storekeeper and walked behind the counter.

"I wasn't here," I said.

"Ah," the storekeeper said. "I seem to have gone blind for a few seconds." When I opened the back door I could hear him speak. "Ah, getting better now."

I headed down the alley and into the park. I couldn't be sure if I was followed so I went deep inside the park near where the statue was situated, but I didn't walk up to it. I parked myself near a large tree surrounded by bushes that was situated on a hill. I could easily see the statue and the street from where I came. I could not see any other part of the park, which meant people in other parts of the park could not see me. I watched quietly. People came and went, but no one lingered very long.

Finally, I saw him. Joseph wandered out from behind a tree and edged toward the statue. He looked like a kid pretending to be a ninja. He was maybe twenty feet away from me. I called out to him, trying to keep my voice low enough so as not to be heard from to far away.

"Inagottadevita."

He turned suddenly. If anyone was watching, then they would know where I was. I tried to peer between the bushes to see if the coast was clear. I was probably being overly paranoid, but better safe than sorry. Besides, as Doctor Johnny Fever said, paranoia is just clear thinking when people are after you.

Joseph looked around and then walked casually toward me. He walked between the bushes to where I was standing. He nodded at me.

"You're early," he said.

"We never did synchronize our swatch watches, did we?"

"What kind of watch?"

"Never mind." I took a quick look around. "I hope we weren't followed."

"Followed by who?" Joseph said. "Look, man. I'm, like, harmless, you know? No one pays me no mind."

"Wish I could say the same," I said.

"Wait a second man." Joseph suddenly reminded me of Tommy Chong. "You didn't, like, become one of those adventurers or something."

"Yeah I, like, did," I said.

"Why?"

"Well, it just kinda happened," I said. I gave him a brief story about how I got here. He just nodded.

"Yeah, same here. Man, first thing I saw was an elf." He snorted. "Dude, I was tripping at the time. Man, I kept thinking, 'this is the coolest trip ever.' But when I came down everything was the same. It took me a while before I figured it out."

"Yeah, well I found myself outside Hommlet," I said. "I'd played the game so I knew the name of the town right off."

"Game?"

"Yeah," I said. "Say, what year did you come out of?"

"1977."

"Ah, you missed it by a few years." I told him about D&D and the guys who invented it, and about the modules that I seemed to have lived out. He stopped when I mentioned the temple.

"No way," he said. "Were you, like, part of those guys who took out the temple?"

"Yeah," I said. "Me and the guys I'm with."

"Far out, man." I couldn't help but smile. Yeah, he was old and out of date, but in this world we were all weidrd. I liked him.

We kept talking, in English in case someone was listening (of course, if they had the right kind of magic they might be able to understand us anyway). I told him about the 80s (new wave) and the 90s (grunge). I found out he was from New York City originally, but lived in Teluride for a while. I didn't have the heart to tell him about 9/11.

"So, you said there's three others like me?" I asked, trying to change the subject a little.

"Yep. One guy lives in Highfolk. He calls himself George Lucas. He's the guy from 2020 I was telling you about. Man, he got in with the high elves, you know, studying magic and all. Got himself an elven wife even. The other is this girl who lives outside of Greyhawk. She calls herself Nancy Drew. She runs a tavern out there called the Callahan's Crosstime Saloon. Don't know who Callahan is though."

I understood the reference, but I didn't want to take the time to explain it. Besides, I never read the book anyway. "What about the third?"

"Yeah," he said. He looked at his feet and kicked at a small pile of leaves. "Yeah, he's trouble."

"Figures," I said. "What'd he do?"

"You know that war that's going on?" he asked. I nodded. "Well, the guy directing it is the third."

"Really?" I said. "What's his name."

He shrugged. "Don't know, and I don't want to get close again to find out. Man, that guy has some serious bad karma."

"How close did you get?"

"Well, I didn't know what was happening at first. It was shortly after I got here that I started to notice him. See, I can sense other people from Earth. When they show up, I know it and I know where they are. So, I started looking for him hoping to find someone I could talk to. I didn't speak Common at the time, and I hoped he'd speak English."

"Oh?" I said.

"Nope," he said. "You speak like a native."

"When I came here I just knew Common," I said. "Strangest thing."

"Everyone's got their own power when they come here," Joseph said. "The 2020 guy? He just knew magic. He could read magic like reading a menu, you know? And Nancy Drew can talk to animals of all things. She's got a bunch of them around that do what she tells them to."

"What about this Evil One who runs the show?" I said.

"Yeah, him," Joseph said. "I only saw him from a distance. He was talking to a bunch of humanoids. They did what he said. The few people I talked to said that this guy just calls himself the General. They say he's not the brains of the invasion, but he just finds the right people to do the job, you know? They say he's got a way with words. Everyone he talks to just does what he wants."

"That explains a few things," I said. "No way one guy could just conquer a bunch of kingdoms like that. So, he can charm people at will, eh?"

"Guess so," he said.

"And your power is that you can tell where the rest of us are?"

"That's it," he said.

"So where's this General anyway?"

"South east," he said. "If I had to guess, I'd say somewhere south of the Flinty Hills. Too far behind enemy lines to reach."

"That's good to know," I said. "Look, you could be useful, you know? To the people fighting this war."

"Hey man, I burned my draft card, you know," he said. "I hated guns and I hate swords too, man. Not picking one up, kay?"

"What's wrong with swords?" Kan said.

Joseph looked at me for a moment before glancing down at my sword. Kantos Kan will go days without saying a word, and then pipe up at the most inconvenient moment. Even in this world of magic, talking swords are unusual.

"Dude," Joseph said thoughtfully. "Did your sword just...?"

"Yeah," I said. "Seriously, you don't have to pick up a sword. Just work with some of the people running defense here and that'd do a world of good."

He shrugged. "Yeah, I hear you. But who'd believe me?"

"I would," I said. "I already do. And I can hook you up with some people that probably want to talk to you."

"Yeah, like who."

"You know Prince Thrommel?" I said. Joseph nodded. "We're tight."

Both his eyebrows went up and his mouth hung open in a fashion that probably passed for respect. "Far out, dude."

Yeah. I suppose it is.

------------------

I led Joseph back to the manor. I didn't want to leave him in the park. If anyone was looking for him then he'd be vulnerable. But in the manor, he'd at least have some protection. I thought of taking him through the front door but I didn't think anyone would react well to that. So I took him through the back way--over the wall and through the hedge. The wall was tricky. Joseph didn't stay in the best of shape. After some huffing and puffing, he managed to land on the other side without breaking anything.

"Wait here," I said. "Keep out of sight for now."

He gave me a thumbs up and sat down near the wall. He pulled the dirty hood of his dirty cape over his dirty head and went to sleep. I hoped he didn't snore.

I went back into the compound. None of the guests were in sight. It looked like the church service thing Derish was fond of wasn't quite over yet. I went to the manor steps, nodded at the guards, and then went inside. A lot of the guests were mulling around in the foyer. Some event was going to happen, but I didn't know what. Probably our resident bard was going to finish his tale of Edoira.

I saw Marc and got his attention. "What happened?" he asked when I approached.

"I found him," I said. "You know, he's not as weird as everyone says."

"Indeed?" Marc asked. "Do we need to have a wow-pow?"

"Pow-wow," I corrected. "Yeah, this guy is actually going to be helpful."

"In that case," Marc said, "perhaps Dame Gold would wish to hear as well. She has asked to meet us."

"About time," I said. "She say what the hold up was?"

"I'm afraid not," Marc said, "though I did not ask. Meet us in an hour?"

I nodded. "I need a set of armor from one of the guards first."

"What in the seven heavens for?" Marc asked.

"Got to smuggle in our guest somehow," I said.

-------------------------

I should've dunked Joseph in a bath. He looked the part, but he walked like he had a wedgie.

"Dude, you wear this stuff?"

I showed him my chain mail under my tunic. "All the time. Dude. Of course, this stuff is magical so it's easier to wear."

"Magic," Joseph said. "Magic is far out."

I nodded. I wasn't sure how much more of this 60s and 70s hippy stuff I could take any more.

We went to the back entrance. Someone would be there for us, though I didn't know who. No one was in sight. I guess our friendly neighborhood bard was giving the exciting (yawn) final chapter to the mighty Edoira, whoever that was. Guess I'll just have to wait for them to make it into a movie.

We reached the back door. I had to steadied Joseph so he wouldn't fall down, again. He looked up.

"Man, that is a serious huge house," he said.

"Yep," I said. "She's got another one just like it to the south." I knocked on the door. "I'd hate to do the vacuuming."

Joseph grinned.

The door opened and there stood Anna. "About time."

"Sorry," I said. I ushered Joseph in. The back way led into a what might have been servants quarters. "May I introduce the prophet Joseph. Seer of foreigners and heir to the 60s."

"Hi sugar," he said. He started stripping off his armor. "What's up?"

Much of that didn't really translate very well. Anna glanced at the ceiling briefly in reaction to his query, and then just wrinkled her nose. "Hi. John, he needs a bath."

"Do we have time?" I asked.

"We'll make the time." She reached out to grab him and then stopped, not willing to lay a hand on his grubbiness. I carried the armor pieces upstairs while Anna guided him, remaining as hands free as possible. Private baths are a rarity in this world. Fortunately, Dame Gold had the resources and the funds to have private baths in most of the guest rooms. Nobility has its perks.

We used our (the boys, I mean) private bath at Anna's insistence. She had already had a bath prepared (perhaps a little forward thinking on her part). I set the armor pieces on the floor. Joseph had his clothes off in seconds. He didn't seem to care that Anna stood right there. Anna rolled her eyes. "Gods, I'm leaving."

"Hey baby," Joseph said as Anna walked away, "it's just what nature gave us."

"Your mother should have told you," she said as she left the room. "Nature didn't give girls that."

"No kidding, babe," he said.

Anna turned sharply. "John's is better." She slammed the door shut.

Joseph looked at me. "Right on."

"C'mon, that's just wrong," I said.

"What?" He looked at himself. "I ain't ashamed of my body."

"Just get cleaned up okay," I said. I pointed to the soap. "Use that. And hurry."

I opend the door and left. I heard the water sloshing around as I closed the door. And he started singing.

You need coolin', baby, I'm not foolin',
I'm gonna send you back to schoolin',
Way down inside honey, you need it,
I'm gonna give you my love,
I'm gonna give you my love.

God help me, it was awful.

Anna stared at me, her eyes narrowed and a hand resting on her hip. "He's just like someone else I know."

"Hey, I bathe," I said.

"He knows the same songs," Anna said. "Same language, same attitude, same...." She glanced downward.

"You said mine was better. Wait a minute. When have you ever seen mine anyway?"

"You don't remember?"

Damn. What did I do when I was drunk anyway? "Never mind. How much time do we have?"

"About an hour," Anna said. "Say, you want to know why your's is better?"

"Get me drunk enough and then tell me. Besides, I've never seen yours.

"And you never will."

May you live in interesting times

Bad things have happened. We were grilled by the Safeton guard. Among other things, they want to know where Dame Gold is and who burned down her mansion. A mage in Mitrik managed to get a hold of another Mage in Safeton to let them know we were working for the good guys.

Now we have to find ourselves a milf. Seriously, if something has happened to Dame I will never forgive myself.

I want to explain right now, but I think it's better to start from where I left off.

---------------

Day four was boring. We had morning prayer, which lasted all fricking morning. Then, Bernaldo showed us all a game with peculiar deck of cards. Strangely enough, there were 52 cards in the deck, but the cards looked like nothing I had ever seen. The game was...well, it was actually interesting. It was like a cross between poker and gin rummy. After that, we had lunch under a tree while a troop of acrobats performed for us.

"I could do that," Anna said while munching on a piece of cake. She looked at Thaddeus next to her and winked at him. She finally introduced us to the guy. He seemed nice enough. He was about my height (which means he's not terribly tall, but not short either). He seemed handsome enought, but there was something really odd about him. It took me a moment to place it. His hair looked blonde at first, but it when I got closer it looked bleach blonde. Audry mentioned something about it to me later when the two went off together.

"He's part drow," she said. "I've seen it before."

Drow. Dark elves from the Underdark (that's a place so bloody far underground it takes days to get there--and dangerous enough you'll probably never get out again).

"Think he's dangerous?" Saul asked.

"Hard to say," Marc said. We watched the two together. Anna laughed at something he said, but I could tell that she was watching him closely. Not the way she normally looks at people either. She seemed to be studying him. I wondered how much of it was attraction and how much was suspicion. "Hybrids, especially those whose parentage is partly from an Underdark species, tend to be rejects from both their parent's societies. They are often self serving, but that's not always the case."

"Guess we'll have to wait and see," I said. "You guys sure Anna can handle him?"

"Looks she already is," Saul said with a grin.

That night, the bard continued his tale of Edoira. It went on and on and....

-------------

On day five, Thaddeus arranged a series of hide-and-seek games. At first it was just for the children, but the adults got involved as well. I half-expected Anna and Thaddeus to wander off on their own, but they didn't speak to each other all day. I've prided myself on being a good hider, but someone found me every time.

That evening, we had a Ball. I mean an actual Ball, with formal attire and dancing. I felt like a goof in my tights and elaborate coat. Even the SCA would have laughed themselves silly. But in this world, I was the rave. We all were.

Marc wore what looked to me like a trench coat, only it was ordained in jewels and gems. He wore jewelry around his neck and numerous rings on his fingers. He looked unique, but he fit in perfectly.

Saul dressed in armor. It shined like a mirror. The armor, however, was actually just for show. An axe would probably pass right through it with ease. But it looked good.

Audry and Anna...well, those two would look good in a table cloth. Tonight, however, they wore these beautiful, flowing dresses. Audry looked like a Queen, including some sort of tiara that was obviously not a crown but looked expensive (Saul later told me it was a gift from Thrommel...figures). Anna looked uncomfortable in her dress. It seemed there was some extra padding in the bust area, not that she needed it (she's not small, but not huge either). She pulled and tugged at it and looked absolutely miserable.

"Ladies," I said. "You look dynamite."

That went off on to a discussion of what exactly dynamite was exactly.

"Lovely attire, milord," Arianrhod de Turiss said. She winked at me and walked away. Arian is a noble from...somewhere. I never got around to asking. She looked like she was about to fall out of her dress. She's about ten years younger than me, a red head, and was about to fall out of her very lovely dress. Rumor had it that she had fallen out of it under numerous circumstances throughout the week, always when alone with a gentleman.

"What are you waiting for?" Saul asked, and nudged me.

I shook my head. "Too easy."

He shrugged. "That's what I hear. I wonder if that's why Anna and Thaddeus are not speaking?"

The door to the ball room burst open. I instinctively reached for my sword, which was back in my room (he wanted to come, but no weapons were allowed). There were people in my way so I couldn't see who it was. The people quickly parted and I saw none other than Joseph of the Light.

"Oh great," Anna said.

Joe looked around for a moment. His eyes fell on me, and having sighted his quarry, closed in. I backed into a defensive stance and waited for him. If he tried anything I'd plant his face in the tile and see what grows there. Instead, he stopped about three feet from me.

"Buddy," he said. "You gotta hear me. Trouble's coming. Can you dig it baby?"

"What nonsense is that?" Anna said.

That "nonsense" was English. Joseph spoke to me in English.

"Dig it?" I said in English. "What is that, the 60s? The 70s?"

Joseph shrugged. "Something like that. So?"

"Kinda old isn't it."

"Why, what year do you come from?"

"2005."

Joseph whistled. "Not bad, baby. You know, I met a cat from 2020. The boy could tell you stories."

"Wait a minute," I said, stepping toward him. Everyone had gathered around us, wondering what we were saying. "How many people have you met from our world?"

He held up his hand with four fingers extended. "Including you. Say, do they have flying cars yet?"

I was about to ask if he had asked the 2020 guy and what he said, but a commotion in the crowd interrupted us. "Joseph!" The voice sounded like the Captain of Dame's personal guard. "I told you not to come back!"

"Gotta hit the road," Joseph said to me. He went toward an open window. "Meet me tomorrow morning. By that new statue. Dig?"

"Yeah," I said. "Dig."

Joseph turned and dove through the window. The guards poured at the main door. Dame herself appeared and begged forgiveness for the disturbance. Music started up once more and people hesitantly began to dance. I stood and stared at the open window.

"I take it he is from your world," Audry said.

I nodded. "Yeah."

I felt a hand on mine. I didn't realize my hands were shaking. Joseph rattled me pretty good, but I didn't know why. Anna looked up at me. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," I said.

"Fine enough to dance?" she said. She tugged me out to the dance floor.

"Wha-? Oh God, I can't dance."

"Sure you can," she said. "It's easy."

"Yeah, I knew a heart surgeon once. He said it was easy too."

Seriously, I can't dance. But I had little choice. Fortunately, Anna led. As on Earth, it's not normal for women to lead when dancing, so we got a lot of notice. After a little bit, we did okay. Everyone burst out laughing when she dipped me. In the end, we were all laughing. I had forgotten about Joseph, which I guess was the point. Anna knows people. She knows how to make you feel better.

Special girl.

That night I slept like a log. I had forgotten about Joseph until breakfast. It was quick, consisting of bread and some bacon (the banquet tonight was supposed to be huge). Marc mentioned something about the ceremony later on. Derish was going to conduct some sort of prayer and church service.

"Can't make it," I said.

Audry eyed me carefully. You don't tell a Paladin you can't go to church, but I just did. "I can't," I said. I looked around the table. Everyone else ate quietly and talked amongst themselves, ignoring us. "I have to meet Joseph."

"Who, the crazy guy?" Anna said. "What do you want to meet him for?"

"He's from Earth," I said. "My home. He wanted me to meet him."

"Could be dangerous," Saul said.

"Maybe," I said, "but I don't think so. Look, he might be a little crazy, but he kept saying that trouble was coming."

"How exactly would he know?" Marc said.

"He knew I was from Earth," I said. "I asked around after he jumped through the window. People were commenting on the weird language he spoke. People have seen him around these parts but no one ever heard him speak that way. I think he knew who I was and spoke in English because he knew I would understand."

"Well, be careful," Audry said. "You're taking Kan with you?"

I nodded. "He's sulking in my room right now. He thinks it's unfair that he can't go everywhere I do simply because he's a sword."

"He's getting lonely?" Anna asked. "Awww."

"Speaking of lonely," I said. "Where's your new friend?"

"Good question," Anna said. "He up and disappeared."

"Oh?" Marc raised an eyebrow. "Just like that?"

"No idea where he went?" Saul asked.

"Nope," Anna said. "Strange, huh?"

Yeah. Strange.

-----------------

After breakfast I grabbed Kan and headed to town. During Thaddeus's hide and seek game I found a back way out of the estates. I didn't want to tip anyone off that I was leaving if I could help it. The gang went to talk to Dame about both Joseph and Thaddeus. Hopefully, she wouldn't try to dodge them this time. It's about time we stopped partying and started working.

The hedge opening was behind a tall tree. The tree was big enough that it would cover both my exit through the hedge and my climb over the wall. I did both with ease. I reminded myself to let Dame know about that little problem when I got back. For now, though, I had to find a crazy man.

Boat ride

I'm not a big fan of boats. Yeah, I've ridden in them before, but I don't like them. Especially when we're at sea.

Dame Gold had this great idea of a mock sea battle. Early this morning all of boarded two barges and sailed to some point about five hundred yards off shore. Further out were several warships. Rather, they were ordinary sailing vessels decked out as warships. About mid morning the battle was on.

Five warships attacked each other, firing cannons (gunpowder, no ammo), firing spells (illusions, not actual artillery spells), and ramming each other. That last one got interesting. Repeatedly, ships sailed past one another missing each other by only a few feet. This went on and on until finally two ships collided. The collision was perfect. Those on the attacking ship stayed aft to avoid getting hurt. People on the ramming ship dove overboard before the collision. The sound was terrific. Beams of wood thicker than my head splintered and rent themselves into toothpicks. The ship nearly broke into. It sank almost instantly.

Wizards on a nearby boat were ready with airy water spells and water breathing in case someone didn't swim as well as they said they could. But, thankfully, their services were not needed. The survivors were brought aboard other ships and examined by clerics. I later discovered that a couple of people had broken their fingers and one guy broke his collar bone. Healing spells fixed them quick.

The mock sea battle went on for about an hour. In the end, only one ship remained...but not for long. Some distance from the ship, a man climbed up on to a thick piece of drift wood. He managed to stand somehow, which told me this was probably one of the props left out there for the grand finale. He steadied himself, and began moving his body in semi-complex gyrations. In seconds, a loud crack like a whip filled the air. A bright flash appeared from the man's fingers and connected with the surviving ship. Wood splintered as the lightning bolt whipped through the ship. The crew abandoned their ship as it sank beneath the waves. The show was over.

Everyone applauded enthusiastically. It was a pretty intense show. George Lucas would have been proud.

After the show, we were served rather exotic food. While there were some vegetables, much of it was seafood. Did I mention I hated the sea? A couple of hours on a barge at sea is not enough for me to find my sea legs. I thought I was doing okay until I saw the buffet. My stomach rumbled. Breakfast was going to come out into the open air. The railing was several feet away. I didn't know if I could make it.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. An electric shock went through me without any pain. My stomach settled instantly. I felt much better. In fact, I felt a little hungry.

I turned. His Excellency, Derish of Safeton nodded. "Better?"

"Yeah. Thanks."

He shrugged. "I have been on countless ships over the years. I have yet to find my own sea legs."

Derish is okay in my book.

As we ate, the barges made their way back to the docks. Rowers below deck gently guided the barge. A guy on a big drum kept them rowing in unison. It was just like in that TV show Shogun.

At the docks I had to struggle to keep from kissing the ground. Carriages took us back to the manor where we listened to Jayl the Gnarley (snicker) recite part two of his massive poem to Edoira. This part was a tad longer, and this time around Anna wasn't the only one nodding off.

When it was done we had dinner. It consisted of another buffet and a whole lot of drinking. Anna, I noticed, was not with her new friend Thaddeus (who was nowhere to be found). Instead, she was with a human male who looked like she was old enough to be her grandfather, even though she's an elf.

"She's not very picky, is she?" I said.

Saul shrugged. "No, she isn't. She and I were together, after all."

Later that evening, Katrina and Jack Knob were had another drinking contest. Everyone was drinking, everyone except us. Well, we weren't drinking that much anyway. Good thing too.

Off in a corner, Black Kerr talked to herself. Kerr is an alchemist. It is said she makes very exotic potions. It's also said she sampled too many of her own potions. It is normal for her to carry on conversations with thin air. It's unsettling, to say the least. Derish stood next to me and shivered as we watched her chew out a curtain.

"She's nuts," I said.

"Perhaps," Derish said, "but I wonder."

"Wonder what?"

"I saw her yesterday," he said. "She was speaking to a shrub out in the garden."

"Sounds normal for her," I said.

"Yes, but," and Derish cleared his throat before continuing, "but the shrub answered back."

Derish is a cleric, and pretty powerful one at that. He's not the kind of guy to get shook up by a strange ol' bitty talking to herself. Later on, I brought it up with the gang.

"Interesting," Marc said. "Tomorrow we should ask Derish which shrub."

"What, you think the shrub's holding out?" Anna asked.

"Certainly not," Marc said. "But there might be some remnant of what she was talking to."

"Are you suggesting she is not as disturbed as she appears?" Audry asked.

"I hope not," Saul said, "because I really don't want to know what she was talking to."

We saw very little of Dame Gold today. It was like she avoided us on purpose. So far, our mission to Safeton wasn't going very well. Either we were missing a lot or nothing was going to happen.

Or everything was building up for a dramatic finale.

Who the heck is this Edoira anyway?

Today wasn't quite as tedious as yesterday.

A fleet of carriages took all of us into downtown Safeton. I use the term "downtown" lightly. It's like saying downtown Evergreen (it's in Colorado, look it up). The buildings seemed fairly well maintained and there were no signs of beggars or serfs (an all to common sight in many cities in this world). The carriages looped around a garden somewhere in the center of town. When they stopped, a young boy opened the door to our carriage. He looked like...well, I suppose the most appropriate word would have been a "fop." At any rate, if he dressed that way back on Earth he would either have been going to the Ren Festival or getting his butt kicked.

I took a quickly look around. I didn't see the "prophet" guy anywhere. I didn't know what made me more nervous, the fact that he seemed to know something about Earth or that what little he know only had to do with the 70s.

The dirt was fresh as if it had only recently been dug, but the trees were huge. A cleric no doubt used magic to cause the plants to grow quickly just for this occasion. I recognized a few flowers, including roses and orchids. What I know about gardening I could fit on a postage stamp, if I could find one, but I knew enough to know that many of the plants and flowers present did not normally grow in the same environment. The only way to keep this place going would be with magic. That meant the local clerics would take a liking to this place (and turn it into a holy shrine of some kind) or this whole place would rot once the party ended. Likely, it would be the former.

We walked along a cobblestone path, led by signs that directed us to the center of the garden. After a bit of walking, we arrived. Small benches circled a tall...something in the center of the garden. Whatever it was, it was covered in a beige tarp. I imagined it was a statue of some kind (someone mentioned something about it). A local artist named Mitgan fashioned it and no one, not even his patron Dame Gold, had any idea what it looked like.

We were served wine and cheese. It made me feel French. It wasn't too bad, but I'm not much of a wine person. Anna sniffed at hers and pretended to drink. When she thought no one was looking, she poured it into a rose bush. That small amount of wine probably cost as much as ten rose bushes.

After a short while, a young man stepped before a small podium. His voice carried easily across the garden. At second glance, I realized he not a young man, but a full grown elf. He looked like he was fifteen, but he may have been two hundred years old for all I knew.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he said. "Please be seated. We are about to begin."

We crowded on to the benches in no particular fashion. I saw a lot of familiar faces, but I didn't have the opportunity to get to know them, at least not yet. As soon as we were seated, Mitgan himself stepped up to the podium. He cleared his throat and began to speak. After several minutes, I came to a conclusion that I didn't think I would share with anyone until later. Anna had no such compunctions.

"This guys worse than that Derish guy," she said.

"Shh," Audry whispered.

Anna shrugged and let Mitgan continue. His speech, which had something to do with Edoira (she was either a goddess or a very important person, or maybe it was a tree--I don't know). Thankfully, it didn't go on very long. Mitgan stepped away from the podium and went to his tarped creation. He grabbed the tarp and with a single yank revealed it.

"Edoira, I presume," Saul whispered to me.

The statue was of a beautiful woman. Her ears were pointed, suggesting she was an elf. But her overall build was much stockier, like that of a female dwarf (except she didn't have a beard, for which I was relieved). The statue was actually pretty detailed. I could barely see her nipples through the cloth covering and I could see her toenails under her sandals clearly. She even had a few moles here and there. If it weren't for the fact everything was the color of stone, one might think this was an actual one who had been frozen by magic.

Everyone clapped politely. Dame Gold commented on its beauty and perfection, and a bunch of other stuff. This was followed by Jayl the Gnarley (still have to snicker at that) who began part one of a multi-part poem about Edoira. It went on for about an hour. Suddenly, I found myself wishing for more wine and cheese. I normally like to listen to Jayl sing or recite poetry, but this Edoira chick was getting on my nerves. Jayl went on about how she displeased the gods with her love of...oh, something or another. It was all I could do to keep from nodding off.

After it was over, we had a banquet. We talked and mingled. Everyone seemed to keep to their own little groups. Anna was the social butterfly as usual, but she spent most of her time with that Thaddeus creep. Marc started up a conversation with one Randallson, who turned out to be another mage.

Later that afternoon, the carriages took us back to the manor house where we had yet another party. This one was called a moon-rise party, in which we drank and talked and generally carried on with whatever suited our fancy. Two guests, one large woman known as "Burly" Katrina and some dwarf named Jack Knob boasted back and forth about who could drink the most, and then proceeded to prove it. Every party has at least someone like this.

Finally, the evening came. We watched the moon rise while Katrina and Jack drank themselves into oblivion. The evening ended shortly after that and we retired.

All the while, I kept thinking, what the hells are we doing here anyway?

You see, Dame hasn't talked to us yet about her problems. I tried talking to her while she was alone, but she was so rarely alone for very long. She would nod at my questions, but then politely excuse herself.

"Same thing here," Saul said when I asked everyone about it. We gathered in the girls' room in the mansion to talk. Marc had put up some sort of spell that would prevent anyone from eavesdropping, be it through magical or conventional means. I said he was sweeping for bugs, but Marc insisted that that was the job of the maids. Besides, it was unlikely we would find vermin in a place like this.

You ever seen Farscape? Sometimes I feel like John Crichton.

"She might wish to wait until the party is finished," Marc said.

"Then why invite us to the party?" Audry said. "Unless she wishes us to keep an eye on the guests."

"She could've said something," I said. "Toss us a bone or something."

Anna raised an eyebrow at my comment but didn't ask. "Well, there could be psions around and she might not want to tip them off to anything."

"But a psion could read our minds and know anyway," Marc said.

"Unless they didn't know who to look out for," I said. "All the guests come from all over. That's assuming someone's reading minds anyway."

Marc nodded. "Good point. There is no reason to use psions. Someone with a careful eye could do the same."

"And assuming that is the case," Audry said, "what would they do if they discovered we were here to help Dame Gold with...this problem?"

"Knock us off," Anna said. "Or Dame."

"Okay, so what do we do?" I asked.

"Keep an eye out," Saul said. "Watch for anything suspicious or anything out of the ordinary."

"And particularly keep an eye on Dame Gold herself," Marc said. "I'm sure she keeps only her most trusted guards and advisors nearby during the night. During the day, one of us should always keep her in eyesight."

"Agreed," Audry said. "I do not recall any new faces among her personal security, but it is a prudent idea. We should also try to learn more about her guests."

"That's what I'm doing," Anna said. "Speaking of which...."

Audry groaned. "Really, Anna. It's inappropriate for you to be alone with this...."

"Rogue?" Anna shrugged. "Yeah, well I have my reasons."

"I assume you are referring to this Thaddeus character," Marc said.

"Oh," Saul said. "I heard it said he is from Bissel."

Anna nodded. "Yeah, yeah. He's from Bissel but he has a Greyhawk accent. He has a criminal record no one knows anything about." She shook her head. "C'mon. Rogues are rogues, I admit it. But rogues from Greyhawk are a unique breed."

"So he is lying," Audry said. "That makes him dangerous."

"To whom?" Saul asked. "Not just anyone can get an invitation to see Dame Gold."

"And why a sordid past?" Marc added. "Why not a clear one?"

"Maybe he's hiding in plain sight?" I said. "Maybe."

"Look guys, I'll be careful," Anna said. She stood. "Hey, it's me."

I thought of a particular fictional character who had his own frisbee-spaceship who said the same thing. Why couldn't I go there? Man, what I wouldn't give to go through hyperspace, even though it's not like dusting crops.

"Be careful," Audry said as Anna went to the door. "Please, Anna. We know far to little."

She nodded absently as she went to the door. "Yes mother." She opened the door and winked at us. "Don't wait up."

Marc waited until the door closed before speaking up. "You know she does this just to irritate us."

"She'll be fine," Saul said. He said it, but I could tell he was still worried.

Marc, Saul, and I went back to our room, leaving Audry alone. Marc protested, but Audry wouldn't hear of it. She didn't think it was appropriate for one of us to be in the same room with her. Never mind that all of us slept within a few feet of each other when we camped outside. There were good locks on the door, so I tried to put it out of my mind.

As usual, I couldn't sleep. Yeah, I worry about her. She's a good friend. I worry about all of them. I guess these guys have more experience at being adventurers, which is why they're sleeping like babies.

I really hope I'm worrying over nothing.

Just in time

Finally!

Well, we made it. After a short stay with some elves (and a little misunderstanding about what plants we could pick and what we couldn't--I'm not even going into it) we made it. We were afraid we'd be late, until we realized the event was a week later then we thought. Good thing. It would suck for representatives of Veluna to show up late (not to mention bad for job security). Good deal, though, 'cause now we get to party!

We entered Safeton around dusk. We showed our invitation, but they charged us a silver piece apiece anyway, for the guilds and all. Dr. McCoy was wrong. Taxes are the only universal constant. They gave us the standard warnings, chief of which is that no magic is allowed (Marc didn't like that, but what can you do?). They then wished us well. "Enjoy the feast," they said as we went into town.

"What's this thing called again?" Anna asked.

"The Feast of Edoira," Audry said. "It lasts all week."

"Sounds great," Saul said. "Just the thing to unwind after weeks on the road."

We proceeded into town. Dame Gold used to live a few hours down the coast away from Safeton, but with the outbreak of the war she moved into Safeton itself. Her new home is on the north edge of home along the coast. She has a contingent of guards all to herself to keep her safe. God knows I'd hate for anything bad to happen to her.

We proceeded through town to her home. Her house was the biggest in town, larger even than the guard barracks in downtown Safeton. The building was old (a hundred years if I remembered correctly) and once housed a duke from Nyrond. Now it was Dame's, and it suited her well.

Dame lives large and spares no expense. At the same time, she is not haughty and has a kind word for everyone. Her memory is uncanny, and she remembers everyone's name. Anyone who doesn't like her doesn't know her. You meet her, and you can't help but have complete admiration for the woman.

We walked up the property gate and showed the guard our papers. I remember the man, but I couldn't place his name (I wish my memory were as good as Dame's). He let us through and we went to the mansion steps. Dame was outside, supervising the erection of a platform for the coming festivities. When she saw us, she smiled broadly.

"My friends!" she said. "Gods, I thought you wouldn't make it."

She embraced each of us. Dame is about fortyish, but definite milf material. One thing I always liked about her was her choice in attire. She looked like she would fall out of her dress at any moment. The word to describe her on thin-fetished societies on Earth would have been "frumpy". Here, she was all woman. On top of that, she had the grace of a noble, the intelligence of a sage, and according to some men the lust of a harem girl.

"We are sorry for the delay," Marc said.

She shook her head. "It matters not. I am glad you are here. I would show you to your rooms but I must attend to this." She waved to the platform behind her. "Alas, you are not the only ones delayed. Aefird!"

An elderly gentleman came forward. I remembered the Chamberlain from our last visit. He looked like Alfred from Batman (the Tim Burton one, not the TV show, though I guess they're both similar). "Yes, madam?"

"Please show our guests to their rooms," Dame said. She faced us. "Again, thank you for coming."

"Thank you for having us," I said, and with that we followed Aefird as Dame went back to monitoring the construction of the platform.

The foyer was huge. I'd worked in office buildings with smaller entryways. Servants darted everywhere in a mad dash to get things ready for the festivities the next day. Aefird grabbed one of the page boys (David, if I recall correctly) and told him to take us to our rooms and draw a bath for us. Aefird wished us well and went off to scold the scullery maids for something or another.

David, who couldn't have been more than fifteen, led us upstairs. He said little to us, but he watched Audry closely. I remember the last time he was here he was very taken with her. I couldn't blame him, Audry is quite the lady, but she is so out of this kid's league it's not funny.

The girls got their own room and we guys got our own. The sun had already set. Maida, one of the scullery maids, came to us and asked us if we cared for anything to eat. We'd been on the road all day eating iron rations, which meant we were starvin' Marvins. We had a late supper and then went to sleep. After weeks on the road, babies don't sleep that good.

Monday the festivities began, and they weren't exactly festive. After breakfast, where we briefly met a few of the guests, we proceeded to the first event of the festivities: A four hour long church service.

His Excellency, Derish of Safeton--a nice guy, but not one who thinks very much of what goes on outside the Parish--held the service to invoke the blessing of Edoira upon the assembly. Well, after four fricking hours I hope Edoira at least took notice. About two hours into it I heard the sound of someone sawing wood in the distance. It stopped, and then started again only louder. Anna's head rested on my shoulder, and her snoring grew louder. I nudged her gently. She jolted awake and pretended to be very interested in the service. I couldn't blame her. Derish could put a Quickling to sleep.

When it ended, I had to struggle to keep from sighing with relief. Anna didn't bother with any such courtesy. "Okay, that was...well, anyway, where's the ale?"

She let out a yelp as Audry elbowed her. It was a wonder the girl didn't have calluses from the constant elbowing during the service (now I know why Anna didn't want to sit next to Audry).

"Not yet," Audry said. "Everyone will continue in a private service, according to their religion."

"I take it that's where you'll be?" Saul asked, gesturing toward a contingent of priests that looked like they might be followers of Saint Cuthbert.

"Of course," Audry said, an innocent look on her face. "A lady must pray for her friends, don't you agree?"

"Yeah sure," Anna said. "Pray for health, pray for wealth." Audry narrowed her eyes and Anna shrugged. "Okay, maybe not that. How about a prayer for a cute guy of noble birth who'll knock your socks off, along with the rest of your garments."

Audry gasped. "Anna!"

"What? I meant for me? I think you've got that area covered."

You've heard the expression "turning beet red." You don't really know what that means until you've seen Audry embarrassed. It usually requires one of us to rescue her in some fashion. It must have been Marc's turn, because he spoke up first.

"Yes, well, please say a prayer for the rest of us," Marc said.

"I always do," Audry said. She managed to smile to us and a glare at Anna before she joined the priests who went off to the chapel (yeah, Dame's got her own chapel, though she doesn't strike me as a very religious woman).

We regarded Anna coolly. "What?" she said, shrugging.

"As if we should be surprised," Saul said. "You know how she gets."

"And she'll be like this all week," Marc said. "Well, who has her leash for the day?"

"Hah hah, very funny," Anna said. "Like I need watching over."

Yeah, right. Well, we split up for the day and agreed to meet during the banquet that night. Mostly, I wandered around the mansion. Last time I was here I didn't have the opportunity to check this place out. It was larger than my high school, and with more rooms. I met a few of the servants that I remembered from before, including Jayl of the Gnarley. Heh. I still get a kick out of his name. I want to bust out my Beavis impersonation and say "Totally tubular, duuude!" I'm not drunk enough for that, yet. Jayl gladly played a tune for me. Music is a rarity in this world, and after a while you don't care what song is played as long as you actually hear a song. Back home I was blessed with the technology of recorded music and I didn't know it. That's probably the single greatest innovation of Earth.

After I finished exploring the inside, I checked out the grounds. In a field I saw a man doing what looked like Tai Chi. I approached and learned that he was a guest here. His name was Ko, a monk from "the east" somewhere. I asked, and he showed me some of the moves he did. I showed him some of the Aikido I knew. He was impressed, and we spent the rest of the afternoon discussing the art of fighting. He even demonstrated a few moves with me, and I showed him a few things as well, but only a few. This guy was like Bruce Lee or something. Yeah he was that good. At some point we got to talking about the best defensive techniques. What is the best technique to avoid a punch? To not be there in the first place. The idea of fighting without fighting got me to thinking of Bruce Lee's Enter the Dragon. You know the scene on the boat? I told that story. The monk laughed loudly and said he would remember that for the future. I found out later on from Marc that very few people had seen an eastern monk laugh, much less actually make one laugh.

Yeah, humor is one of my skills.

That night the banquet went on in full force. There was dancing, food...and alcohol. I know, I know. We're supposed to be here on official business. Well, yeah, we'll get to it after we down a few brews.

I suppose I should define "brew". The alcoholic drink of choice is either beer or ale. I'm not talking Budweiser here, not even Pete's Wicked Ale. I'm talking hair thinning, toe curling, grass killing booze that will floor you. Heck, they'd laugh at the urine we call beer. And to top it off, they feed their kids this stuff. See, water can have contaminants and what not. When the water is processed during the brewing process, it kills all the germs and bacteria (of which they know nothing, they just know straight water from a creek isn't always good for you). Better to wean the kids on beer and have 'em get tipsy then on water and have them get typhoid. Yeah, they got clerics, but they're not always available on call (no cell phones). So, the kids drink beer and ale.

Damn, I wish I grew up here.

Anna had met some guy named Thaddeus. He had a reputation as a rogue of questionable repute, which made him instantly attractive to Anna. She hung around him constantly and even danced with him. The rest of us kind of hung out together. We were still in that awkward stage where you don't know anyone so you stay with the people you came with. Later on, maybe we would go our separate ways. For now, that seemed like the best thing to do. Some of these guests were, well, I wondered if maybe they'd crashed the party.

One guy was an absolute freak of nature. Some guy who called himself Joseph of the Light. He said he was a prophet who kept going on about a coming storm of some kind. Back on Earth, you'd maybe give this guy a quarter to call someone who cared and then be on your way. Around here, though, it was different. See, this guy might actually have some kind of power as a prophet. Likely not, but you never knew. At first he just hustled the occasional guest, but at some point he stood on the stage where the minstrels played and started shouting.

"They will come and overrun us! They will come from the Sea of Dust. What they did there they will do here!"

I tuned out the rest of it, looking for the guards and hoping they'd toss him on his ear or other inconvenient body part. No such luck.

"Only the chosen one can save us," the Prophet said. Yeah, there's always a chosen one. Some sucker who's gonna sacrifice everything he's got and make everything better, and they'll tell stories about him for centuries. "He comes from the land of towering glass."

That caught my ear. You could say that about a lot of cities back home.

"He knows not how he came here, but he will serve a purpose."

Oookay. It was getting close to home, here.

"He speaks not the truth when you ask his name, but he carries truth like a sword. He will shake the pillars of heaven."

Part of me wanted to ask what he meant. Another part was afraid I already knew the answer. To my relief, guards came through the crowd and on to the stage. They guided him away gently as if they were armored bouncers. They were kind to the poor sod as they led him away. The prophet did not resist, but he didn't remain silent. He continued on about something how goodness would journey to the Abyss and stop the evil at its source (I suppose if there's a heart of evil it is in the Abyss). They led him past us (yeah, they had to do that). He looked directly at me and spoke.

"It's true baby," he said. "Can you dig it?"

Someone nearby laughed. "What is he? A dwarf?"

As he continued past he called out over his shoulder. "As on Barsoom, the music is reversible! Turn back, turn back!"

Everyone laughed except me. I watched as they led the prophet away. I couldn't hear the rest of what he said.

I ignored everything else that happened that night. I told myself that there was a sensible explanation. The 70s had hit the free city of Greyhawk with a fricking vengeance. If I were there now people would be wearing bell bottoms and listening to disco. They'd be smoking weed and talking about Woodstock and other kinds of silliness.

Yeah, right.

"John?" Audry asked me. I didn't even know she had joined us. "Are you well."

"Yeah," I said. "I'm fine. Maybe too much ale."

She raised an eyebrow. That's probably the first time I'd ever complained of "too much ale." Usually it was not enough ale. She nodded and let it slide. She had me figured out. If she didn't press me, I'd talk to her eventually.

The party didn't go one too late, which was fine. We had a long week ahead of us. I should be turning in here soon as well. There's some sort of ceremony in the morning regarding some statue in Safeton. I'll try to sleep, but I don't think I'll be able to.