Run through the jungle

We were ambushed. We should have seen it coming.

Otis sat down with us to talk. The sun had just gone down and we had just finished eating. We had not heard from Elmo yet and Otis assumed he was just late.

"I wish we could have spoken yesterday," Otis said.

"Given the emergency of the situation," Marc said, "the delay is...unusual."

Otis nodded. "You are too kind. I am sorry. I know Rufus and Burne are in trouble."

"And the children," Anna said. Her stare could've killed. "You haven't forgotten about them, have you?"

Otis smiled patiently. "No, I have not. You must understand. If I changed my schedule at all it would have raised suspicions. Also, Elmo needs to find his contact."

"Who is this contact and what does he know?" Audry asked.

"He claims to have been an escaped slave from the elemental temple," Otis said. "He says he can tell us precisely where hostages are being kept."

"How does he know this?" Saul asked. "Has he seen them personally? And how long ago did he escape? No doubt the elemental temple will have moved the prisoners if they feel they have been compromised."

"The man claims to have escaped four days ago," Otis said. "He says he is aware of where the prisoners are located and none of his former masters are aware that he has this knowledge."

"So what is Elmo doing?" I asked.

"He has been verifying the man's story," Otis said. "He says his contacts from Hardby should have sent word by now."

"All the way from Hardby," Marc said. "Very impressive."

Otis nodded. "Elmo has contacts everywhere. I'm often amazed how much he knows."

"You know, it's getting late," Anna said. "Maybe I should go look for him?"

That's when all hell broke loose.

The window exploded inward. An arrow planted itself in the middle of the table. The arrow glowed with the familiar sparkle of magic.

"Get down!" Marc shouted. We dived away from the table. I managed to get behind an overstuffed chair just as the arrow went up. Magic, it seemed, could simulate a grenade to great effect.

The explosion blew out all of the other windows. The table itself was reduced to splinters, and the surrounding furniture had caught fire, including the chair I hid behind.

Anna and Audry hid behind a sofa. Audry seemed unharmed as she raised her head. Anna looked up over the sofa. Part of her hair had burned away, leaving a strange sort of 80s goth, punk look. She didn't realize what happened just yet.

"What?" she asked me, but I wasn't staring at her. I was staring out the window behind her. A crowd had gathered. It looked like all of them had torches. Most had weapons as well, and they all looked angry. It was like the mob from the movie Frankenstein, only they weren't after monsters. A man in the crowd waved his hands through the air, uttering odd syllables.

"They got a mage," I said.

Marc stood from behind an overturned table. He leaned out a front window (easy, since it was broken). He pointed a wand into the crowd and uttered an arcane word (it sounded like "balance"). He'd pulled this one before, and the rest of us knew it was time to duck one more time.

The crowd cried out as the fireball approached. They scattered, jumping into the bog, running down the road-planks to get out of the way--but there were simply too many of them. The detonation sent bodies through the air. Two of them bounced off the house and fell into the bog. I could feel the heat from the blast wash through the room, along with the smell of burning hair and flesh.

When it was done, Audry stood, furious. "Was that necessary?"

"Yes," Saul said.

"Those weren't townspeople," Marc said. "They wore the cloaks with the yellow eye."

"What, they're from the temple?" I asked.

"Townspeople probably turned us in," Saul said.

"Time to leave," Anna said. She pointed out the window. More people gathered outside. They wore armor and under their cloaks--cloaks with the yellow eye of the elemental temple. Burning bodies lay on the docks, their own cloaks burned away, revealing chainmail underneath.

"So who gave us away?" I asked.

Audry grabbed me and guided me to the back of the house. "We can discuss it later."

Saul and Marc already dove out the window. Audry went next, followed by me and Anna. I sank into the bog up to my neck. The muck at the bottom pulled at my boots and I almost went under. I struggled to keep a float as I swam through the much toward the far shore.

Behind us we heard the front door of the house break down. Ahead I saw Anna swimming for a nearby boat. I swam after her, trying not to make too much noise. I reached the boat just as they started looking at the window. They held their torches high, but it was almost impossible to see in the bog.

We held onto the pier, trying not to touch the boat and give away our position. I wondered if we could convince Audry that stealing the boat in this particular situation would be okay (those pesky paladins), but Saul made a good point.

"They'll spot us if we take a boat. We have to swim the bog."

"Great," Anna said. "Leeches, poisonous snakes...what more can a girl ask for?"

"A new haircut, perhaps?" Marc said.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Anna said.

"Nothing," I said. "Where's Otis?"

Everyone looked back at the house. He didn't come out the window with us. As far as I knew, he was still in the house, which meant he was in the custody of the temple soldiers. Which was probably where Elmo was, too.

"Maybe he got away?" Anna said.

"That's what we need to do," Saul said, "while we still have the chance."

We managed to get out of the swamp before sunrise. To my surprise, we did not encounter one single snake. We did encounter dozens of leeches, all of which hitched a ride. Strange thing about leeches, they really don't hurt that much. I pried them off me one by one with a dagger, flicking each one back into the bog. I found one two inches from my...well, from a very private spot.

We got out of our armor and clothes to get the leeches and other parasites off. We stood in the darkness in our underclothes, peeling away leeches. After that we moved deeper into the woods and made camp without a fire. We spent the next couple of days wandering the woods...lost, I'm sorry to say, though we continued in south-westerly direction.

Periodically we'd encounter a group of armed men. We managed to avoid them without being seen--surprisingly easy to do in the woods. Let me amend that. It's surprisingly easy to hide from humans. Elves are another matter, which is why the wood elves spotted us so easily.

I thought Anna could hide. These guys came out of nowhere. They had bows at the ready, but they did not take aim. They didn't have to if they were anywhere near as fast as Anna. Anna said she spent some time with them once. Weird. She's an elf, yes, but she's a high elf. Wood elves have been known to kill people who just happened to wander to close to their homes.

At first glance all you see are a bunch of treehouses, and you don't see them until you're practically under them. After a bit, you begin to realize that they are far more than any treehouse you had as a kid. These things stretch from tree to tree, complete with living rooms, bedrooms (made of leaves, but still very comfortable), and even running water (Marc commented that it was vaguely similar to the kind of thing dwarves would do, which brought a sharp look from our hosts). It's almost like being in one of those rich condos in Cherry Creek or something. Well, almost.

We've been in their home for a few days now, healing and resting up. We are amazed they haven't killed us. They tell me the temple is only a day away. They'll guide us there tomorrow. Audry asked if they would help us. Their response was they were helping us...by taking us there.

You know, Frodo and the rest of the fellowship got at least some cool magic items from the wood elves. Where's my fricking magic cloak?

Anna's hair does look nice now. Heh. You should have seen the look on her face when she looked at her reflection in a pond.

I'm so tired right now, I'll finish up the therapy (aka the moathouse story) some other time. You get all the beauty sleep you can when you're an adventurer.

Down and out in Nulb

Otis met us at the barge at midnight last night. It turns out the bargemaster, a man named Elmo, is Otis's brother. What a small world.

We followed Otis back to his shop. The curtains shivered in the windows of every house we passed. I wondered how secret our arrival would remain.

Nulb, it turns out, is a city on a marsh. Most of the ground is a stinky bog. I only saw the ground once or twice. Most of the time a fog covered the area. God only knew what kind of creatures lived there. Roads consisted of wooden planks covered in moss and mold. In some places there were holes.

"How many people fall through the street around here Otis?" I asked.

"To my knowledge," he said, "no one has died yet." He paused. "At least not from falling into the bog."

"Sensational," Audry said.

Our boots landed heavily on the wooden boards. There was no question that at least a hand full of people knew we where out and about.

"We're drawing attention," Marc said, gesturing at a window where the curtain was drawn quickly.

"We would have drawn more during the day," Elmo said.

"Whose attention?" Saul asked.

"Well, we'll talk about that tomorrow," Otis said. He pointed ahead. "Here we are."

His place was a dingy and rotten as every other building in town.

"Is it safe?" Anna asked.

"Well, no one's died yet," Otis said, "at least not from falling into the bog."

We passed his shop and entered the building next to it. Inside Otis's home was completely different from the outside. The stink of the bog did not enter, thank God. Looking around, the furnishings looked new and clean. He had paintings on the wall. The place looked comfortable.

"You're the first men to have come here in a long time," Otis said. He looked at Audry and Anna. "You are the first women to have come here in," he thought a moment, "two weeks."

"I'm sure we'll be far less entertaining then they were," Audry said. Anna snickered.

Otis grinned. "I have room upstairs." He pointed to a ladder that led up to a loft. "You are safe here, my friends. Please, you must be tired. We shall speak in the morning."

There's room for all of us, but only if we are cozy. Elmo went to sleep immediately. I never heard anyone break wind so much in my life. I'm fearful to light a lamp and cause the whole house to launch into orbit.

The next day we remained upstairs for the better part of the day. Otis had a job to do and to shut it down abruptly would have caused undo attention. Elmo left earlier, wandering around town looking for information. I spent time learning a little of magic from Marc and sparring with Saul (got to keep in practice), but for the most part we slept or did nothing.

Adventuring is like the military. Days of boredom followed by minutes of absolute terror.

Otis is closing up shop soon. Hopefully, Elmo will have more information and we can get to work.

Until then, more therapy.

---------------------------

Why the bugbears ran back to their lair, a dead end, is beyond me. They should have run to their leaders, unless of course their leaders were so unforgiving that they risked a worse facing them than us.

When we cornered them, they dropped to their knees (putting them at about eye level) and begged for their lives. We pressured them for information, which essentially confirmed what the gnolls had told us. Always good to know. We escorted them back up the stairs and told them never to return.

Anti-climatic? Yes, but believe me, that's a very good thing. In this world you don't worry about enough experience points so you can level up. You worry about dying.

On the way out of their lair, I found a bucket full of rotting meat. "My God, you guys eat this stuff?"

"No," one of them said. "It is for fishy-bug."

The gnolls mentioned something about that too, and then it came back to me. It had been a long time ago, but I remembered what was down there.

I knew what the fishy-bug was.

And that gave me an idea.

Arriving in Nulb

Earlier a longboat pulled along side us. We remained hidden under the blankets of cargo, weapons ready. Men came aboard saying they were Verbobonc troops. I had no idea if they had jurisdiction this far south or not, and there was no way to tell if they were friend or foe. In the end, they let the bargemaster go.

Whew.

We're just arriving in Nulb. We're going to stay under the tarps for now, at least until midnight. Our friendly neighborhood bargemaster will come and get us when he's made contact with the blacksmith Otis.

I suppose I have time for a little therapy.

-----------------------------------

The bugbears didn't want to bargain or debate. They just wanted to kick some ass.

Anna didn't hesitate. As soon as one made a move she planted an arrow in its skull. A string of mystic words flew from Marc's mouth, followed by a series of lights that exploded across the chest of another bugbear. Audry, Saul, and I closed in with our swords.

They got the hint, and ran.

Anna, not being particular, put another arrow in the skull of a fleeing bugbear. The bugbear's arms flew upward as it fell. Its jaw shattered on the stone floor. The other three darted around a corner as an arrow appeared in the wall next to them.

I looked up at Audry and Saul. They'd dropped to the ground too when more arrows flew by.

"Well, go let's get 'em," Anna said.

She took off down the haul with Marc in tow. "You heard her," he said.

"Is she always like this?" I asked.

Audry stood and started after them. "Yes," Audry said, "the foolish girl."

Take me to your leader

Adventuring is terrifying, but there's an underlying current of excitement that makes it all worthwhile. That excitement is taken away when other people's lives are at risk, especially children.

When the door to the cellar opened it jolted me awake. There was no grogginess at all (several months training in the Verbobonc militia will do that to you). I grabbed my weapon and jumped behind a pillar. Everyone else had already done the same.

Fortunately, it was just Ostler--along with the Mayor and the captain of the guard.

We talked for a while, but the gist of it is this: A few days ago--just about a day after we left Verbobonc--the children of Hommlet had been disappearing. They had been seen walking out of town with their parents, but parents said they had done no such thing.

"More dopplegangers," Saul commented.

The mayor agreed. It was at this point soldiers appeared. They wore emblems of no country they knew. They announced that Hommlet's children were in their custody. They are well and will stay that way only so long as the people of Hommlet keep their mouths shut. Everyone in town has been accounted for and visitors are heavily scrutinized. If someone were to up and leave town or if someone were to try and send a warning, then the children would be killed.

There was a moment of silence after that revelation. To use an Earth aphorism, this sucked hard.

No one knows where the children are located, and no one wants to risk sending a message without rescuing them first. Who knows how many other dopplegangers are in town? There's no way to know who is a spy and who is not. Recently, the captain of the guard noticed a group of invading soldiers (dressed as Burnes' Badgers) taking the road to Nulb, a settlement about a day away. It's the only lead they have.

"That's it then," Anna said. "We head to Nulb and start cracking skulls."

"Any idea who to start with?" I asked.

"Well," the Mayor said. "There is a blacksmith in town by the name of Otis. No, don't go cracking his skull. From time to time he does some...well, shall we call it intelligence gathering?"

"A spy, huh?" Saul said.

"If anyone knows what's going on in Nulb it's Otis," the guard captain said. "If he doesn't know...."

"We'll find him," Marc said. "We'll get to the bottom of this."

"And we'll bring back the children," Audry said. "Whatever it takes."

"I know you will," Ostler said. The two stared at each for a moment, sharing a private thought.

"Any idea how we can get out of town?" I asked.

"There's a barge ready to leave," the guard captain said. "I can sneak you on board, but we need to move quickly."

That's where we are now...on the barge. Under a blanket. It's already rained on us once. We should be in Nulb sometime tomorrow.

In the meantime, therapy:

---------------------------

At first they wanted 200 gold in exchange "for our lives." We all drew our weapons and it dropped to 100 gold. I pointed to the ogre corpse on the floor as a reminder, and it dropped to 50 gold. Finally, one of them got angry and charged us. Anna planted an arrow in his gourd. They decided that they'd let us off the hook for free this time, and throw in information on the rest of this dungeon...including the whereabouts of their leader, Lareth...for free.

If only Congress negotiated like this back home. Things'd get done a lot quicker.

They quickly told us about bugbears that way (pointing vaguely while Marc hastily drew a map on parchment), giant water bug that way, and then that way and to the left and left again to get to Lareth. He had "two more than I have fingers," one of them said, "plus the lieutenant."

"Fourteen including Lareth," Saul said. "Lovely."

They charged upstairs as soon as Audry gave them the nod. They smelled like unwashed dogs. Figures.

"So," Anna said, "do we take the leaders and all their gold, or do we deal with the bugbears first so they don't flank us?"

"You sound like Monty Haul," I said.

"Who?" she asked.

"Never mind," I said. "So, uh, what do we do?"

"You can give up," a voice said.

Strangely, the voice sounded just like with one of the gnolls. Only deeper. A lot deeper. The laughter was pretty similar as well.

Marc held up the magic-light-pebble-thingy. Not fifteen feet away stood giant, hairy, fanged...things. I could see their breath in the damp air, and they looked like they were smiling.

"You make a lot of noise," one of them said. It's common was actually pretty good.

"Are those bugbears?" I asked.

Saul nodded absently. "You know, maybe one day we can do this without getting ambushed."

Bargaining with dogs

Wow.

There are strangers all over Hommlet. Looking through my binoculars (let's here it for technology), I saw guards in heavy chainmail all over town. Their weapons and armor were in pristine condition. Marc suspected they might have been magical. These guys were definitely not Burnes' Badgers.

Audry notices something chilling. We had been watching the town for hours, but we saw no children.

We waited until night fall and snuck into town. We entered by the woodcutter's home on the east side of town. We then headed for the Inn of the Welcome Wench, where we were let in the back door by Ostler himself. Anna had made contact with him earlier. God, that girl can get around unseen.

He led us into the basement. I had no idea how many secret doors there were in that inn. There's more to Ostler than meets the eye, that's for sure.

We're in his basement now. We'll sleep here for now and then talk to Ostler and some other towns people in the morning.

"Burne and Rufus too?" I asked.

Ostler shook his head. They have not been seen in days. No one knows where they are.

We came to Hommlet to talk to Burne and Rufus about the Elemental Temple, to see what else they knew about it. Now it looks like we'll have to save their butts.

Assuming they're still alive.

At this point, it seems silly for me to keep going on and on about the moathouse. For purposes of therapy, as Audry suggested, it seems rather silly at this point, given what else is happening. But as I write I flip back to previous pages, looking at the HTML code. Am I really the only one reading this?

Who knows.

-----------

Footsteps grew closer. They didn't sound like boots, but more like a bunch of guys wearing socks. Or in their bare feet. They grew louder and louder until they stopped at the bottom of the stairs.

"They're not coming up," Anna said.

"Eager for them to, are we?" Audry said.

"Do you mind," Marc said. "I'd rather they didn't hear us."

It was silent at the bottom of the stairs for a moment. Then, they started to gibber. It was a strange barking noise, not unlike a large dog. The sound grew louder and louder, each of them (perhaps ten total) making the same noise.

"What the hells is that?" Saul whispered.

"They're laughing," I said. "They're fricking laughing."

I could see Anna's eyebrows raise in the dim light given off by the torches in the other room. "Fricking?"

"I guess they didn't like our ogre friend," I said.

A gravel sounding voice carried up the stairs. "You there, come down, eh?"

"Great," Anna said. "Now what?"

"We not hurt, eh?" the voice said. It sounded like a cross between Wolf-Man Jack and Scooby Doo. "You do us favor, we do you."

"I don't like the way he says 'do you,'" Audry said.

"Yes, many connotations there," Marc said. He sighed. "Well, I think perhaps we should hear what they have to say."

"Go down there?" Anna said. "What if it's an ambush?"

"You'd think they'd be quieter about an ambush," Saul said. He shrugged. "Then again, they are gnolls."

"Oh goodness," Audry said. "Let's do something besides just stand here." She drew her sword and started downstairs. "I want to see what they want. Marc, light?"

Marc reached into an inside cloak pocket and pulled out...well, it looked like he pulled out a lightning bug. But it was the brightest lightning bug I'd seen in my whole life. It had all the life of a bright, fluorescent light. I later learned it was a pebble with a light spell cast upon it.

We followed Audry downstairs, our weapons ready. The stairs were steep and they went down far. I had no idea how far underground we were and I didn't want to think about it.

Nine gnolls waited for us at the bottom of the stairs. Their skin looked like the alien from the movie Predator, but they had heads that looked vaguely like German Shephards. Many licked their noses and panted. As we approached they backed away from us, holding their hands over their eyes. They gibbered amongst each other, looking us over inch by inch. On the ground lay the ogre. His head leaned at an angle, his neck broken. I guess he didn't have that many hit points after all.

"Gentlemen," Audry said. They jumped when she spoke, even though they stood about a foot and a half taller than she did. "What do you want to talk about?"

One of them stepped forward. He stood sideways, ready to bolt at a bad sign. "We want leave."

"Then why haven't you?" Saul asked.

"Lubash not let us," the gnoll said, gesturing at the ogre's body. "He loyal to Lareth."

"We have a name, at last," Marc said. "I assume he is in control."

The gnoll gave a jerk of his head that might have been a nod. "He bring us here and say we get lots of gold. We get some, but not much." He made a sound that sounded like he was spitting and growling all at once. "Bugbears get good stuff."

"Bugbears?" Anna said. "Well, things are getting interesting, aren't they?"

"Tell us everything," Audry said, "and you can go."

"No," the gnoll said. "You give gold. We tell you about this place and we go. We let you live."

"Hear that guys, they'll let us live," Anna said. "Anyone in the mood to bargain?"

Saul raised his weapon and stepped forward. "Not really."

...and speaking of big

We're camping just outside of Hommlet. The sun went down not long ago. Anna said she'd take a quick look around and then come right back. Frankly, what we saw earlier doesn't look good at all.

On the way in we saw one of the local farmers. I remembered him from the last time we were here (which was sometime after the moathouse incident...yet another story I need to relate). He walked with two oxes hauling a small two-wheeled cart of hay. We came out of the trees. He nearly jumped out of his skin, but he recovered quickly. He waved his hand at us, keeping it discreetly low. From the other side of his wagon we saw them. Three armed guards appeared. We managed to get out of sight before they saw us. We watched carefully as they headed down the road.

Looks my adopted home town is in trouble. Again.

Therapy:

-----------

As I recall from the old monster manual (first edition--hey, I'm old, okay?), Ogres are an "L" class creature. L means large. Well, if that wasn't the understatement of my life.

My first thought was how the hell did this monstrosity get through these tiny doors? Did they grease him up? And how bad would you have to screw up to get that job?

All thoughts of greasy ogres disappeared. We stared at the massive bulk as it charged us, holding a club I could never hope to lift. It ducked as it prepared to charge us through the door.

And it gave me an idea.

I pushed Audry and Sanns aside. I braced myself, waiting for the right moment. It was a simple maneuver in aikijujitsu. And he was so very off balance stooping through that doorway.

I grabbed the front of his jerkin and bent my knees. God, he stunk. I rolled on to my back, planting a foot on his stomach. He was heavy, but his momentum carried him over me and out the recently destroyed secret door. Like most people who could not ukemi--that is, do breakfalls--he tried to straighten himself out so he could stand. It merely served to make his landing harder.

I didn't wait for the inevitable crash. I jumped to my feet and turned to face the beast, only he was not there.

It took him a moment to hit the ground. Only then did I learn that beyond the secret door was a set of stairs leading down. Apparently, they were rather steep and they went down quite far. The ogre's cry echoed along the walls, and then was cut off as he crashed on the stone steps. I could feel the impact of his massive frame as he hit, and then tumbled down the stairs. After several seconds, he reached the bottom. All was silent after that.

I peered down the stairs, but it was only darkness. I half wondered how many hit points he would have left after that fall. The lack of noise on his part indicated he probably had very few, if any.

"Nice," Anna said. She stood by me, looking down the stairs. She looked back at Saul and Audry. "How long would that have taken you guys?"

"Longer," Saul said. He stood and helped Audry to her feet. "Good work, John."

"Indeed," Marc said. "Of course, things will get slightly more difficult from here on out."

"You think someone heard that?" I asked.

A strange barking noise echoed up from the bottom of the stairs. Something jabbered in a language I had never heard and with a voice box very unlike mine.

"There's your answer," Audry said. She drew her sword. "I don't speak gnoll, but I'd imagine they are not very happy."

Really big things

I've been in this strange world for almost a year. Given that traveling by horse is the best way to go, you'd wonder why I still haven't gotten used to this wretched animal.

It has a mind of its own. A small mind (about the size of a walnut if I remember correctly), but big enough to want to go and do things on its own. It keeps wanting to go over here and eat grass, and then go over hear and smell another horses butt. I didn't know horses did that. The others just stare at me bewildered.

Fortunately, I've discovered I can write and ride at the same time. Even though the horse bounces around, I still write smoothly enough. Yet another feature of the magic log-book-thingy.

We should have been in Hommlet by now, but we ended taking the "scenic route." About halfway to Hommlet we encountered a group of trolls. Trolls! They're fricking huge, let me tell you! The leader was damn near twice as tall as me.

We got off the road and into the trees to let them pass. One of them got a whiff of the horses, forcing us to retreat further into the woods. We weren't exactly eager to take them on as we only had one flask of oil (hey, we didn't know we'd be taking on trolls) and...well, they're trolls. In the game you may think you can handle a troll because you're high level. I have no idea what level I am, and trolls are trolls. They're huge and can kick your ass hard.

We've stayed in the woods since, traveling across broken trails that Saul and Anna seem to know pretty well. The result is that things are taking longer than anticipated.

I still haven't gotten used to this whole living outdoors thing. Yeah, I like camping back on Earth, but I went inside every now and then. Out here there's nothing but mud, rain, and bugs. Even the inns have bugs. I try not to complain, but I see Audry and Anna whisper to each other and giggle as I constantly itch.

I think I have fleas. Or maybe ticks. Oh hell.

We're getting ready to move out in the next hour or so, or whenever . We stayed in a cave overnight and late into the morning. The horses seemed to handle the cave okay, to my surprise. Marc cast some sort of illusion over the entrance. The closer we get to Hommlet, the more humanoids we see. We only saw that one group of trolls, but so far over the past couple of days we've seen orcs, goblins, hobgoblins, and at one point we saw...I kid you not...we saw a group of mixed humanoids (an unusual event in and of itself) led by a drow.

For a while, I couldn't wait until we got to Hommlet. Now I'm not so sure. At any rate, we should be there by either tomorrow or the next day, depending on how much hiding we have to do.

Until then, therapy:

-----------------------------------------------

The guard was quite helpful. So helpful in fact he even showed us a different way downstairs. "That's how we avoid the slime," he said.

"Slime?" I asked.

"Green slime," he said. He shuttered. "Poor Ian got caught in it. Ate his gonads right off."

"How colorful," Audry said. She fingered the pommel of her sword. "Care to lead the way?"

The guard looked at her, glancing at her breasts from time to time. He rubbed his nose and nodded. He twisted a small stone resting on the floor. As he did, a panel in the wall made to look like stone swung inward. He gestured at us and we followed.

Audry went first, followed by Saul. Anna walked behind them and kept an arrow nocked. Marc and I proudly brought up the rear.

We followed the vile man down a set of stairs. The air got muggy the further down we went. The smell of rot filled my nostrils. I struggled not to gag. After a few minutes we reached a landing about eight feet square. There were no doors, just stone walls covered in mold. Saul and Audry stood next to the man. The rest of us were still on the stairs.

"They be this way," he said. He gestured at a wall.

"Better not be a joke," Saul said.

"You saw what I did upstairs, didn't ye?" The man pushed on a panel. A section of the wall popped open. He looked at us, smiled, and then ran into the room.

"Wake up! Wake up!"

Saul reached for him as he ran, and missed.

"Ye blasted beast, we got--uh!"

Saul started into the room after him, but stopped himself short. I heard a thud, like a baseball bat hitting a mattress. Saul and Audry dropped to the floor. A shape flew passed them and crashed into the far wall. The wall gave way like thin paper, revealing a secret door in the most unintended way imaginable.

We ran down the stairs to check on Audry and Saul. They ignored us as they stared into the room. That's when I heard the voice of doom. The voice rumbled like a train, vibrating my ribcage.

"I told you never to wake me!"

If that's what he did to allies who woke him up, I wondered what he'd do to invaders.

I can deal with people

Training sucks, but it's necessary in this line of work.

Saul and I have been doing training with the Verbobonc militia. The war is moving ever closer and there is fear that Verbobonc may be sieged. The front line is hundreds of miles away, which is a lot in an age where armies travel by foot and horse instead of APC.

Still, better safe than sorry.

We get up at the crack of dawn and run. We run across this obstacle course made of wood and wrapped in blankets stuffed with straw ("padding", or at least this world's equivalent). Clerics are on hand to heal the broken bones that happen on a regular basis (I've broken my arm once and broken three fingers). We then proceed with sword practice for a couple of hours, followed by archery for another couple of hours (I'm starting to get the hang of it). This is then followed by various other exercises that would likely make any health nut on Earth collapse in a fit of rage.

To my surprise, the food was generally nutritious (I guess these guys do have some sense of nutrition, unlike medieval times on Earth--or maybe it was the clerics and their healing spells, I can't be sure).

The first week was the worst, but it started to get better. Now I tackle it with gusto. I can do two hundred leg squats in a row. I can do a hundred push ups with no problem. I'm getting leaner and stronger--I've never looked so good. But that's not the point, of course.

The point is to get better at what I do--fighting. I guess my class is "fighter" on my invisible character sheet. And I'm getting good at it too (or maybe I'm just getting cocky). And these guys are really liking some of the aikijujitsu I've been showing them as well. In return, I've been learning some things from them. Marc even said he'd try and teach me the basics of magic. I was ecstatic, and then the word came down.

The messenger was a wood elf--not the kind of person you see near human civilization very often. She looked like she was twelve years old, but I bet she was easily two hundred. She eyed each of us warily, expecting anyone at anytime to lash out at her with either a sword or harsh words. Being a fish out of water myself, I couldn't blame her. She delivered her message and was gone quickly. It was a day before I learned the details from Marc. There were few details, but what the message did say was chilling.

Something's happening in the Gnarley Forest, something to do with the old Elemental Temple.

I knew it. I damn well bloody knew it.

We're leaving tomorrow.

Until then, more therapy:

---------

The moathouse guards only stared as their commander fell. The smile on his face remained transfixed in death as he fell forward, an arrow protruding from the back of his head. He hit the ground like a mannequin. It would have hurt if he were still alive.

Light filled the tower doorway. It looked like a giant spotlight that shined directly at the guards. They cried out, covering their eyes. One actually dropped his crossbow. Another lowered it so the quarrel fell out of it. The flash of light lasted for an instant and then faded. Marc lowered his hands and looked at us.

"Now would be a good time while they're distracted," he said.

I hefted my sword and moved forward. The martial arts training took over. I spun and kicked one of the kneeling guards in the teeth. Blood spurted upward and covered his face. I turned again and planted my knee in the face of the other kneeling guard. Both fell to the ground, clutching their jaws.

The two standing ones had stepped outside. One managed to recover himself and fired his crossbow, forgetting he managed to let the bolt fall out of place earlier. He stared at his useless weapon in surprise. He dropped it and reached for his sword, but not in time. I bashed him across the temple with the pommel of my sword.

I saw something flicker in the corner of my eye. I stepped aside and parried the incoming attack of the last remaining guard. I countered and chopped at his sword hand. He screamed as he dropped his sword. His thumb hung from his limp hand by a piece of skin.

Saul charged out the door of the keep and punched the screaming guard square in the jaw. The guarded fell and skidded across the courtyard for several feet. A trail of blood pooled around his thumb, but it was quickly washed away by the rain.

"Not bad," he said, as he continued past me and toward the fallen guard. He grabbed the guard by a foot and proceeded to drag him toward the keep. Behind me, Audrey and Marc dragged two more inside the keep.

"He doesn't like monsters," Anna said, "but he can handle people okay." She hung her bow across her back and reached for one of the fallen guards. He was still conscious, but he didn't resist as she tugged at his foot. "Little help here, John?"

"Right," I said absently. Together we dragged him inside the tower. The whole time Saul eyed the rest of the courtyard. The main complex of the moathouse loomed before us in the shimmer of the heavy rain. Only remnants of the upper level remained, but the lower level seemed largely intact. The courtyard itself looked relatively clean, probably kept that way by the brigands, or whatever, inside. I wondered how many more there were.

"At this point, I suppose there's no reason to be discreet," Marc said. "If anyone's in there, then they know about us."

"And they would have done something by now," Audrey said. She closed the tower door. "Or they're setting a trap hoping we'll think no one else is there."

"That's were I'm betting my gold," Anna said.

"I wonder if they brought up everyone from downstairs," I said.

Everyone looked at each other and then at me. "What makes you say that?" Saul asked.

"Say what?"

"That there's a downstairs," Anna said.

Oh hell. I'd told them about my world, but I'd never told them about the game. Did I dare tell them this was all a game on my world? We had heard of the names Greyhawk, Flanaess, Hommlet, Furyondy, the Great Kingdom...and, of course, the Temple of Elemental Evil. How would you react if your life, your struggle to achieve greatness in the world, were nothing but a silly game in another world?

"Well," I said, "look at it. The whole upstairs is trashed. The main structure is unsound. If this is a staging area for raids, there has to be more to it, right? If we can't see it, then it's probably underground."

Marc raised an eyebrow. "Reasonable." He glanced at Saul and Audrey, both of whom shrugged.

Anna was already at the main doorway to the moathouse, looking it over and peering into holes in the wall. The building was so slighted I couldn't believe it was still standing. She gestured at us and we approached.

I stepped over debris and loose stones in the courtyard. Weeds had crept up through the cracks and water filled the large holes in the ground. I didn't know how deep they might have been.

"Nothing moving," Anna said when we reached her. "At least nothing warm."

We shook the rain out of our clothes. "Traps?" Saul asked.

Anna shook her head. "Not out here." She tugged at the door. It looked old to me, but opened easily. Once open, I could see the trim around the door designed to look like rust. The hinges themselves looked as if they would never work, but now I could see they were fake. The real hinges were just behind them.

"Nice," Saul said. "Very professional."

"I think I would have preferred brigands," Audrey said. "Whoever did this had proper training."

Anna peered inside. She side-stepped cautiously inside and looked around. She gestured for us to enter.

Inside it was nearly pitch black. It smelled of mold and rot, but it wasn't terribly strong. I pulled off my pack and dug through it as Saul and Anna disappeared into the darkness. They returned just as I found my flashlight.

"No body heat," Saul whispered. He winced as his voice echoed off the walls anyway. He took a step closer. "There's a couple of passageways and some stairs down in a side room."

"You were right about there being a lower level," Marc said to me. "I imagine that's where they'll be."

"Let me check it out first," Anna said. "If I were them I'd trap the hell out of it--"

She broke off and held up her hand for silence. She pointed directly across the door and mouthed words to us. Voices, over there.

I didn't even think about it. In my world, it's such a harmless and common tool. I pointed the flashlight I dug from my pack in the direction she pointed and turned it on. The far wall lit up with the familiar, round white light of the flashlight. I saw a single door.

Everyone stared at me, astonished. Marc merely nodded, impressed. "That's the strangest light spell I've ever seen."

"Oh, it's not a spell," I said. "It's...well...it's hard to explain. It's just a small incandescent bulb sitting against a parabolic mirror." They looked at me as a deer might gaze into car headlights. "Well, I guess I can explain it to you later."

"That should be interesting," Audrey said. "Saul, you said something about a passageway?"

"Yeah, two of them," he said. "One right there, and--"

I pointed the flashlight beam toward the hall. Five men cried out as the beam danced across their face. They fired their crossbows reflexively. Most buried themselves in ceiling. One whizzed right by my ear.

Anna nocked and fired an arrow like a regular Legolas. It landed in the shoulder of one of them. The remaining guards struggled to reload.

In the chaos, an idea occurred to me. "It's also a death wand," I said. I waved it at them, dancing the light off their faces. "Die scum!"

They cried out in fear, knocking each other over as they scurried down the hall. Two actually dropped their swords. They made it about ten feet when all hell broke loose.

In the dancing flashlight beam I saw a large shape behind the men. It rose up to the ceiling, and then lashed out at one of the guards. The man's head disappeared inside the mouth of the biggest damn snake I'd ever seen. It picked up the man, swung once, and then released the man. He bounced off the wall and fell to the floor. He convulsed as his friends ran away, back to the door.

"Boss, it's Bessie!" one of them shouted. "She's loose again!"

Another one cried out. The snake bit him in his midsection. The snake's head was so big its mouth easily enveloped him. I saw the fangs sink into the man's kidneys. The wound alone probably would have killed him. If not, then the massive amounts of poison being injected into him certainly would. Understandably, he screamed like a young child.

"Can't you idiots even set up a proper ambush," a voice said. I turned the flashlight toward the door. A man in chain mail stood at the open door. He froze as I shined the light in his eyes.

"What in hells--" He stopped suddenly, his mouth wide open. At first I thought he was mesmerized by the beam of light. Then I noticed the glowing ball of fire in Marc's hand. I had never seen one before, but there was no question in my mind what it was.

"Get down," Saul yelled.

I dropped to the floor just as the fireball sailed across the room. The man in chain mail shrieked, and was quickly silenced by the explosion. The whole room lit up like daytime. It actually wasn't as loud as I though it would be, or perhaps it was because I was covering my ears. The compression wave of the explosion was the real kicker. The heat enveloped me to the point I thought I was burning. Fire licked the floor, walls, and ceiling as it expanded. For a moment, I was convinced all my hair was gone. And then the fire dissipated almost immediately.

I stood up slowly. Smoke blew by me as it was displaced by the cool air from outside wafting in through the open door. Bodies lay strewn across the floor, burning. Loose trash in the room had either been burned or pushed to the walls by the force of the blast. The smell of burning hair, and another smell, filled the room. I couldn't place that other smell for a moment, and then it occurred to me it was probably burning flesh. I struggled not to vomit.

"Are you okay?"

Audrey put her hand on my shoulder to steady me. She looked concerned. I must have gone pale. I nodded feebly. "No worries," I said.

Anna and Saul already converged on the area, their weapons at the ready. Marc looked down the hall. The snake dragged the second of its two victims back to its lair. I hoped they were dead, for their sake.

"It's clear so far," Saul said, walking back. I still had the flashlight on. The survivors of the snake attack ran toward the door...right in front of the fireball. The result was they were all caught in the blast. The burning corpses lit the room well. I shut off the flashlight to save power. I doubted I'd be buying new batteries soon.

"Hey," Anna said. "Here's one that lived."

She stood just inside the doorway. She pointed a nocked arrow toward the floor. Saul ran to her and stepped in front of her. She stepped back, her bow ready. Saul bent down and grabbed a foot. He dragged the survivor back into the hall. The fringes of his clothes were singed, but he was otherwise unharmed. It looked as if he was behind someone else when the blast hit. He was damn lucky.

Saul dragged him into the center of the room. We stood over him like hawks ready for the feast. He looked at us, wide eyed. He had wet himself.

"Please," he said. "Don't hurt me."

"We won't," Audrey said, "if you don't give us reason to." She kneeled, wrinkling her nose at the growing stain at his crotch. "Now, tell me all about this place."

"If I do, they'll kill me."

"Oh hell, we'll kill you," I said. "Or better yet...." I glanced back down the hall. We could hear crunching sounds as the snake swallowed one of its victims. I looked back at the brigand or guard, or whatever he was. "What was her name?"

"Bessie," Saul said. "She's a big girl. Bet she's still hungry."

He looked up at me and swallowed hard. "Okay, okay. I'll tell you anything."

Anna smiled devilishly. "Oh, I'm sure of that."