Stories in the rain

When Marc and Anna, followed by Saul a bit later, showed up, I proceeded to read everything I've written down over the past few days. Mainly, I read about how Hedrack tortured me, and about the illusions he created. At least, I told myself they were illusions. I left out the dream sequences involving Audry and Anna, for obvious reasons, and I left out how I humilated those priestesses. They may have deserved it, but it was still a rotten thing to do and I'm a bit ashamed of it.

I didn't look up until I was done. Saul hung his head, regarding the floor and trying to hide his pained expression. Marc did a better job of hiding it. He sat quietly, his hand on his chin, trying to look thoughtful. Audry merely stared at me, aghast. She seemed on the verge of tears. Anna was in tears, her face buried in her hands.

I had no idea it would hit them like this. "I'm sorry," I said.

"We didn't mean to pry," Saul said. He looked directly at me. "You didn't have to--"

"I know that," I said. I threw my journal on to the bed next to me. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you guys. You probably didn't want to know."

"That's not true, John," Marc said. "To be honest, we were worried."

"Yes," Saul said. "To say the least. You weren't yourself for some time." He shrugged. "I didn't want you say anything unless you were ready. And if you were never ready...."

We sat quietly for a moment. Audry eventually broke the silence. "John, do you believe what Hedrack told you?"

"No," I said quickly. "Of course not."

I didn't tell them about the dreams I've had, about how I was standing trial for the murder of Doctor...I never seem to remember his name, but it sounds similar to Hedrack. During the hole time, I'm thanking the judge for making me a Knight of Veluna. Of course, I didn't want them to realize this so I told them everything was cool.

Apparently, they didn't believe me.

"What you are feeling is normal," Audry said. "When someone has been through what you have been, there are side effects that healing magic cannot cure. Only time."

"What if he was right?" I said. I looked at my room. It looked like the one I stayed in last time I was in Hommlet. "What if I'm locked up and I'm hallucinating this? What if what Hedrack showed me was the truth?"

"His wizard created the illusion," Marc said. He sounded certain. "I could do the same if I knew what to work with."

"But he knew things," I said. "He knew my real name. He knew about cars and night sticks and tiled walls--he knew a lot."

"You may have said these things to him," Saul said. "The state of mind you were in, you wouldn't know what you told him."

"But it was so real," I said. "Hell, I remember the smell of the place. Like urine and feces. I remember the way the hospital gown felt."

"Interesting," Marc said. "Let me ask you something. When you dream--I mean, your dreams before this...incident--did you smell or feel anything?"

I thought for a moment. "I don't think so." I shrugged. "I usually forget my dreams, but the ones I remember I recall seeing and hearing. Why?"

"You recall smell and touch," Marc said. "When wizards use illusions they are careful to include smell and touch, and taste for that matter. The fact you recall them so clearly leads me to believe you were tricked by illusion."

Anna leaned forward and grabbed my hand. She smiled at me, but her eyes were wet with tears. She squeezed my hand. "Feel that?" Her hand was warm. "That's real. What Hedrack told you was a lie."

"You are among friends," Audry said. Her voice cracked as she spoke. "You must never forget that."

I was among friends. The problem was I didn't know if they were real or not. We spoke for a while longer before we retired for the evening. They looked just as worried as when they arrived.

I didn't sleep much. I stayed up half the night staring at the ceiling. I tried to imagine it as a tiled ceiling. I felt the floor and tried to feel tile. No matter how hard I tried, it remained the wooden structure of the inn. I then drifted off to sleep and dreamed I was running through Cherry Creek park. Police officers chased me with dogs. I hid in the lake so the dogs wouldn't find me. As they got closer, I could see the police officers' faces. They were orcs.

The next morning, awoke in my room. Everything seemed real. I got up and felt hungry and wondered if the hunger was real. I then wondered how long I'd wonder what was real and what wasn't.

I then remembered something Elric said: Dream or reality, the experience amounts to the same. A convenient way to lie to oneself, I suppose. But it made me wonder where I would rather be. Assuming both worlds are real, which is the better one, or at least better for me?

I had been through more in the past year and a half then my entire life on Earth. And I was doing good. I had been through hell, but I felt better. I felt like I belonged.

I decided it was time to stop whining. I had responsibilities now. I belonged to this world now. My old world was a distant memory.

As I walked downstairs, I thought I heard the squawk of a radio. I told myself it was the squeaky stairs. Ostler's gotta get that fixed....