Knights on the road

"John," Saul asked me one day. "What does 'milf' mean?"

We weren't two minutes outside of Mitrik when Saul smacks me with that one. I nearly fell out of my saddle.

"Yeah," Anna said. "What does that mean?"

I cleared my throat. "When did I say that?"

"The night before last," Audry said. Her tone was not approving. "When you were drunk."

"Oh," I said. "Is that when I commented on--?"

"Yeah," Anna said. "Well, before that."

"Who'd I call a milf?"

"Our allustrious Dame Gold," Marc said. "I believe the phrase was, 'oh man, she's a serious milf.'"

"Then you asked me if I agreed," Saul said.

"What'd you say?" I asked.

Saul shrugged. "I'm not sure. My head was swimming in ale by that point."

"You said you didn't know," Audry said, "but you thought she had the most lovely...." She trailed off and snorted. "There is a reason you should not indulge in that swill."

"Tell that to Prince Thrommel," Anna said. Audry immediately went red.

"Ah, yes," Saul said. "I saw the two of you talking yesterday in the courtyard. What--"

"That," Audry said, holding up her index finger at Saul as if he were a spoiled child, "is no one's business."

"Sounds serious," I said. I tried not to smile under Audry's glare.

"It is," Anna said. "In Greyhawk there was this prince from Nyrond who--"

"That will be quite enough," Audry said. "I think we've gone on long enough about my private affairs."

"Affairs?" Marc said. "Oh, I see."

Audry turned a different shade of red. "A poor choice of words on my part. And I'm not sure how but we seem to have gone on to a tangent that has little to do with the original topic."

"Oh yeah," Anna said. "What does milf mean anyway?"

Thanks, Audry.

Well, that took some explaining. With two ladies present, I didn't want to describe the actual definition. Granted, Anna would probably laugh herself silly at the real meaning, but Audry had already gone red in the face a few times today. I eventually simplified it to a word to describe an older woman who is highly attractive. Which is true, I suppose.

Well, at any rate, it did allieviate our worries. You see, dinner with Thrommel last night we discussed a message he received from Dame Gold. Dame Gold is...well, Dame is Dame. She is rich and has political power, but she was not born into the noblity. She is a person of great influence in the town of Safeton along the Wild Coast and people listen to her. She is 40ish and has the body of a super model. She is regal, but according to stories she was a prostitute in the streets of Greyhawk. They say she was even a member of the Thieves' Guild there.

Basically, Dame Gold is everything you wish your girlfriend's mom was.

Dame is also very protective of her subjects. Raids from the Pomarj (a nation of humanoids to the south of the Wild Coast) have always been a problem, but they have managed to fend them off. Recently, however, the raids have become invasions. Armies of humanoids are marching into the Wild Coast, not as raiders but as soldiers.

Raiders and bandits acting like soldiers. Sound familiar?

As our first duties as knights of Veluna (yeah, all of us were knighted, not just me), we are to go see Dame Gold and render any assistance necessary.

"With respect sir," Saul asked during dinner, "why us?"

Thrommel proceeded to read a letter...addressed to us.

To the Saviors of Hommlet,

May it never be said that the courageous undertake valor for the hope of reward nor the righteous seek purity, and thus may aspersions of evil never fall upon thy name. But, as ye know too well, the rewards of virtue are painful and cold.

Our advisors, through wisdom and sagacity, have proclaimed thy actions good and virtuous, done for the wealth of the people of Hommlet. Those so noble as yourselves will grace and ornament the presence of any gathering. We beseech you to kindly honor us with your presence during the Feasts of Edoira at Windy Crag in the town of Safeton.

Dame Gold.

"Saviors of Hommlet," Marc said. "She makes us sound important."

"You are important," Thrommel said. "You have earned tremendous respect in the central kingdoms."

"I suppose that's nice," Anna said, "since we didn't earn any gold or anything."

"Anna," Audry said. "The gold belonged to the people in that region. It wasn't right for us to keep it."

"It was nice of them to let us keep some of these magical trinkets," Saul said.

"'Trinket' would not be the word I would use to describe John's sword," Marc said.

Did I mention my new magic sword talks? And it has a little bit of an attitude too. More on that later.

"Sir," I said, "there is nothing in the letter regarding her need for help."

"Certainly not," Thrommel said. "She sent her personal advisor with the message for help. She seems to think there is a spy amongst her staff and does not trust to send a written message."

"This is how we are to help her, then?" Audry asked.

Thrommel nodded, and I thought I saw him wink at her. "You are to keep your purpose of being there secret to all," Thrommel went on, "except of course for Dame Gold herself. Dame will provide you with further instructions."

Thrommel cleared his throat. "Lady Gold is an old friend. Help her as best as you can."

"We would do no less," Audry said.

Thrommel bid us to leave the next day (i.e. this morning). Dinner continued with small talk. That night, we went to our rooms. The next morning, Anna came to me with a big smile on her face.

"Audry did not return to our room last night," she said.

"Really?" It didn't take much effor to determine where she was. "But, she's a Paladin."

"So is he," Anna said. "And of the same faith, no less."

"Oh," I said. "Well, good for her."

"Maybe," Anna said. "Knowing Audry, they probably stayed up talking all night." She sighed. "She would pass up such an opportunity."

"Opportunity?"

"For love making," Anna said. Her shoulders sank low. "I cannot describe how desperate I am at this point."

I was a bit speechless at this point. What exactly do you say to a woman when she says that? If I say, "me too," it would make it appear as if I were offering and she would get mad. If I say, "well, I hope your dry spell ends soon," that sounds like I'm accusing her of being a tramp.

Women.

Fortunately, Marc joined us. "Everyone ready?"

We were, and we left in the early morning. Audry was the last to join us. She was joined by Thrommel. As they entered the stables, I noticed they were holding hands. They released them as soon as they were within sight of us.

Ah well. It's not like I had a chance with a paladin anyway.

"Good luck, my friends," Thrommel said. And we were off.

We traveled all day without incident. We are planning on going to Hommlet first to check on things, and then head on through to Safeton. It's been a while since we've seen Dame Gold. I've heard about this Feasts of Edoira thing from Saul.

"Lots of girls," he said.

Anna snorted. "Is that all you think of?"

"There was a time when you didn't complain," Saul said.

"Yeah, well I came to my senses."

They teased each other often about their previous relationship. It happened long before we all met. They talk often, but I think it is truly over between them.

Part of me thought, that means she's available. I felt like a high school student again. Well, even if she were available, it probably isn't a good idea. It would disrupt our relationship within the group, and we have a job to do.

Did I mention? We're knights!